The Power of Accepting Being Disliked
It’s 2 pm. I’m waiting in the pickup line to grab my kids from school. It’s been a day.
The client call I was on went sideways, so I didn’t get a chance to workout. Now, sitting in line, waiting for the flow of students to exit elementary school with their teachers herding them along, I am starting to analyze a conversation from earlier in the day.
Had I been too pushy?
Was my tone too forward?
What if they find out I have a blog and think it’s stupid?
What if my client fires me?
The spiral goes on like this until I see that classes have been released, and I’m forced out of the car.
How many times have you been in a conversation where the topic somehow finds it’s way to who likes who, who has beef with whom, and why or why not bridges have been burned and by whom?
Needing to be liked and hyper-focusing on avoiding being disliked leads nowhere good. Here’s why and what to do about it.
The Opposite Effect
According to a study on people’s need to be liked by PsychTests.com and noted on PRWeb.com, 39% of people who said they focus on being liked by everyone also said that they do not like themselves.
I bet you know the feeling. You’ve tried your hardest to be “liked by everyone on your team at work” or “respected by everyone in your friend group.” And still, you’re sitting and having coffee one day with a teammate, only to find out that “Karen” thinks you’re a big fat liar who steals people’s promotions.
Suddenly, you wonder how this could possibly happen when all you’ve ever been is nice to Karen. Am I right?
This is what you could call the “dislikability conundrum.”
You do everything right, and still, some people are just not going to like you. You are going to encounter this no matter what throughout your life, so what should you do?
Normalize the “Dislike”
If you spend all of your time worrying about whether or not you will be or are already liked by everyone around you, what are you giving up?
I’ll save you a ton of heartache right now; you won’t succeed at always being likable.
You might not even realize that you are trying to be liked by everyone around you, and in doing so, you are causing yourself unnecessary stress. Here are a few common characteristics of needing to be liked:
Trying to please everyone around you at the expense of your own happiness
High feelings of anxiety when you feel disapproval
Being willing to do anything for anyone despite the repercussions
Exuding an aloofness around those who may disagree with you
Bragging about your “unburned bridges” at the mention of disagreements
Focus on Depth, Not Likes
I was recently talking with someone who was very adamant about their ability to keep good relationships and refrain from burning bridges.
I sat listening to the conversation, feeling, in part, inadequate because of the relationships I have released over the years and the boundaries I’ve set that have resulted in lost relationships.
Then it hit me. It’s not a badge of honor to be liked by everyone or to assume you are. 😉
There’s a belief that permeates our society that if you’re “liked by all” and never “burn bridges,” somehow you’re superior to those around you.
But ask yourself these questions to determine where to focus your effort and energy:
Is staying in a toxic relationship brag-worthy?
Is avoiding conflict at the expense of sincere relationships worth it?
Is it really a “burned bridge” if you can look back and say, “I would do it all over again”?
If your mental health is intact because of those you have allowed to dislike you, isn’t that more important?
Re-Focus on Yourself
This is not the part where I tell you to “just stop caring what others think.” Believe it or not, I struggle daily with the ingrained need to be likable. But then, I take a few breaths and remind myself that there is no way, in any universe, that everyone will like me.
In fact, if you stand for something and have a passion for it, it’s more likely than not that many people won’t like you. And that’s okay!
So the next time you feel inclined to fret over the fact that you may or may not be on someone’s good side, try these exercises to see if you can move through the discomfort to the other side, where you can focus your energy on your own happiness, and wellbeing:
Ask yourself: Will the worry about what this person (or people) thinks help the outcome in any way?
Take a moment: Breathe, and recognize that you are on the path you are meant to be on. Some will stay on that path with you and share in your joy; others will move on, turn back, jump ahead, or fall behind, and there’s nothing you can do but enjoy your own journey.
Take an inventory: Either think about or write down an inventory of the people who help you, support you, and have your back. You might find that whether or not you are liked or disliked by someone doesn’t hold as much power when you refocus on your core people.
Reformat the reaction: Instead of lamenting and stressing about being liked by everyone, take each person, encounter, or situation where you rub someone the wrong way as an opportunity to change your thinking. You could be excited about the situation instead of disappointed. Maybe you dodged a bullet or have something else to learn.
Let yourself Shine
To let yourself be seen and shine, you will need to take a few risks. However, studies show that people who worry about whether or not they will take far fewer risks than those who are willing to be uncomfortable and disliked in order to achieve their goals.
Do you want to live your whole life grasping at someone else’s perspective and reality, only to realize that you can’t be liked by everyone after all?
Or do you want to take this moment to reevaluate your need to be liked and refocus on what you want, who is truly important to you in your life, and how you can be sincerely happy?
It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not going to happen overnight. But if you can wake up each morning and start reminding yourself that you are allowed to be disliked by some in order to be yourself, you might just be a little happier and healthier.
“Today, I will proceed in my life to the best of my ability. I will focus on being the best version of myself and reaching my goals, even if that isn’t what someone else would do.”
I highly recommend reading The Courage to be Disliked by Ichirou Kishimi and Fumitake Koga for in-depth insights into learning to accept being disliked and move beyond limiting beliefs.