6 Things I Wish I Would Have Started Before Turning 41
I wanted to be a writer when I was little. I envisioned being the next Louisa May Alcott or Laura Ingalls Wilder. And then time happened.
In my oh-so-self-conscious, straining-to-fit-in teenage years, I abandoned the idea of being a writer. It was too dorky, too introverted, and too weird. “An interior designer would be better,” I thought.
The abandonment of my true self and dreams escaped me for almost ten years. But there were glimmers of it under the surface: The article published in a teen magazine – a project for my lit class. The freelance writing gig I took when I was looking for my first corporate job.
It wasn’t until mid-way through my thirties that I realized how much I have been playing a part, doing the motions in my career in marketing, but not enjoying, not feeling challenged or happy. I was a mom, too, at this point, so anything that I did outside of motherhood took me away from the two little people I loved the most. Therefore, whatever I did carried more pressure and weight to be “worth it.”
Turning forty was a pivotal moment. I surrendered to my own imperfections and talents. I found humility and inspiration in knowing that I am, at heart, a writer; whatever that means, I will give it my all. But there was also a level of sadness and remorse that came along with being forty.
“Had I done enough to ensure that now I would be able to write and focus on that as a profession?”
“Was I being selfish?”
“Was forty too old to change course?”
“Could I be a writer and something else too?”
I spent the past year working through these questions, reframing my goals as a mother, partner, professional, and woman over forty. And I don’t have the answers, to be honest. But, this month, I turned forty-one, and a peace settled over me.
Here’s what I realized as I moved from forty to forty-one and am now solidly in my “forties.”
Stop Rushing
Enjoy the ride.
I spent most of my late thirties and all last year feeling strained and rushed to “figure it out and get moving!” After all, it’s all downhill after forty, right? So you’d better be well on your way to success - whatever that means.
I had an epiphany right before my forty-first birthday: Whether I die tomorrow, in 10 years, or in thirty years, nothing good comes out of a rushed and desperate attempt to reach a finish line that doesn’t even exist.
I’ve since begun a conscious measure to stop the rush. It will happen. And all will fall into place when I am ready.
What I’ve learned: Rushing will only cause you to make hasty decisions and fail to see the big picture in life – All of which lead to a lacking existence.
There is More Than One Road
Life isn’t linear.
Not to get too philosophical here, but there is the outdated perception that you need to put one foot in front of the other and keep slowly trudging up the hill of your life to the summit of success. That sounds miserable, doesn’t it?
Lately, I’ve been more impacted by the things I do that seem like nothing at the moment but lead me to a breakthrough or feeling of achievement after the fact. That’s not to say that there are times when I feel a surge of power and momentum that pushes me forward in a linear way, but it isn’t always that way, and I’m starting to understand that it’s okay!
What I’ve learned: If you allow flexibility for the curves and changes in course, you'll have a lot more fun and find a lot more joy in life.
Micro Changes Matters
Don’t discount the small steps.
Something it’s taken me the last ten years (the entire time I’ve been a mom) to fully understand that micro-progress and backward momentum can be just as beneficial as the big, overstated moments. The small steps I’ve taken and micro-decisions have ended up having a huge impact on my health, motherhood, and my career. Especially the habits or decisions I’ve stuck to and created consistency around.
I’ve started saying things to myself like, “don’t ignore the micro-moments,” “or I’m not doing this for today, but for tomorrow, next week, and next month.”
Because those little steps, moments of effort toward your dream, progress toward becoming healthier, or commitment to being the most attentive mother, wife, friend, or partner you can be all add up. And they all add up more significantly than you might think.
What I’ve learned: The small changes and habits with a larger goal in mind end up making the biggest difference in the long run.
Don’t Ghost Yourself
Failure is as valuable as success.
I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person. I’m not saying this with pride necessarily, but it’s something I’ve had to come to terms with over the years. The hard lesson I finally learned after many, many times when I discarded something in my life that wasn’t working and moved on to the next thing is that it’s better to salvage and learn from what’s not working rather than throw the whole thing out. That’s not to say there aren’t times when moving forward without a person, job, or attachment isn’t the right thing to do, but moving on or forward doesn’t mean that everything you did in that phase or that relationship was a waste of time.
What I’ve learned: With every failure or misstep, there’s something to be learned, something to be proud of, and something to bring with you to the next thing.
Pause and Appreciate
Your betterment needs celebration.
I remember graduating from college so clearly. It took me seven years to gain my bachelor's degree, mostly because I worked my way through school and had many semesters where I was forced to drop classes along the way, but I made it! And what I remember most about that moment was the creeping fear that I didn’t know what was next, but I felt immense pressure to figure it out. My mind was already working against me as I walked to the stage and accepted my diploma. “Where would I get a job?” “Would I get a job?”
The United States has an overwhelming culture of dissatisfaction and a lack of appreciation. I have been guilty most of my life of this affliction. You get the job you have been dying for, and suddenly you want the promotion. You buy a home and then want a bigger one. You have your first child and feel pressured to have a second child. And if you don’t fall into the cliche little boxes that society says you must, then everything is horrible and unsatisfying. Does this sound familiar to you? But something shifted for me as I moved through my fortieth year.
What I’ve learned: If I don’t start appreciating now how far I have come as a woman, mother, wife, professional, business owner, and writer, life will pass me by, and I will never find fulfillment.
Be Fulfilled Now
The outlook is up to you.
A core goal moving from this moment forward, through my forties and beyond, is to focus on being fulfilled now, not in five years after I accomplish a, b, or c; not after my kids get just a few years older, but now! That’s not an invitation to stop growing, glowing, and dreaming.
Maybe that’s the ultimate gift of turning forty-one, but I finally feel at peace and satisfied with my existence as it is now, not yesterday or in the future.
What I’ve learned: If I surrender to my life process, plans, and dreams where they are now, I will be fulfilled and proud of how I live and who I am.