It dawned on me right before my 38th birthday, earlier this month, that I really hadn't given much thought to what I wanted to do to celebrate, and what being in my late thirties really means to me and to women at large. 

It's not that I hadn't thought about the impending anniversary of another trip around the sun, it's just that unlike many other birthdays, which I had approached with resolve and determination to conquer the new year and do all of the stuff I'd been planning for, 38, on the other hand, crept up on me, and there was no sense of urgency in my heart as I approached the day.

This fact alone gave me pause. After all, I've been informed by many that I'm a bulldog, a go-getter, alpha female--you take your pick. But ultimately, on the inside, I've always felt softer than that description. 

The biggest notion that came over me on this birthday was a desire to mark the occasion with some thoughts about what it means to be 38-years-old and a woman. So close to 40, but not quite there yet. Edging toward what used to be called 'over the hill,' however, now is considered life's prime decade. So here are some thoughts.

I know less now.

"The older I grow, the less I know," someone said to me recently, and I believe that is one of the wisest observations I have heard. It's incredible: right when you think you've got it all figured out, the universe throws a curveball, and with a cackling laugh reminds you that "b*tch, no one has it all figured out!" I definitely "knew" more in my twenties than I do now. And I bet I "know" more now than I will in the next decade, but I do KNOW that the only constant in life is change. In this next year of life, I hope to embrace the rollercoaster, hands in the air, with a massive grin on my face, instead of trying to resist it by gripping on for dear life!

I am who I am.

Maybe it's that I'm getting crotchety in my middle-years, or perhaps it's that I've finally realized something profound; trying to please everyone ends up pleasing no one--especially not myself. In the last few years, I've become so much less tolerant of people with a hidden agenda, and so much more interested in investing time and energy in practices and people who seek honesty, authenticity, and live in the moment. 

For example, in my twenties, I was terrified of offending anyone or stating my opinions about anything. I've always been confident and outspoken in my views, but I worried way more about how my beliefs would make me look to others and whether or not I was still going to be "liked" or "cool" if I said what I was really thinking, or stood up for myself. But, I'm done with that. Like me or not, I am who I am...and frankly...I don't have the energy to give a shit.

I am flawed.

I wrote a post last year for my kiddos (an open letter of sorts with my hopes for them), and it's funny because this post is feeling eerily similar. It's like the letter I wrote for them was a reflection of the hopes I have for myself, and the dreams I have for how they view me as a mom. I guess my inner child needs the same love and wishes for a fulfilled life. Turning 38 has really caused me to reflect. I keep asking myself, "am I where I want to be in my life and career?" "Is where I am going in the right direction?" Weirdly the message I keep getting loud and clear is that I'm not going to know until I get there, but I'm going to keep trying and adjusting and aiming to be a more genuine me.  I am flawed, but at the end of the day, I am surrendered to the path I am on and will give myself the grace to take a few detours. My flaws, like the flaws in any human, are mine, and I love myself for them. I'm a totally OCD clean freak, I LOVE to plan--trips, my week, my day, I'm weird about certain things with my kids, like sleepovers and too much TV time, I probably drink too much wine (true confessions 😉). But I am uniquely me. And I love me. I want to grow to love myself more and more over the next decade. 

I am grateful.

It's cliche 🙄, I know. Messages about gratitude are all over the internet, and while it can be annoying as shit to see someone "throwing up" gratitude when frankly, you don't feel grateful or happy with some part of your life or circumstance, I also NEEDED to put this in here. I am just like you. I often roll my eyes at the 'Gratitude Police' out there, and I am not someone who thinks everything is rosy, when it smells like a pile of poop, but I am ALSO extremely grateful for my life, my family, my friends, my career, and my ability to adapt and evolve. 

So I'm not here to say you or I need to be grateful all of the damn time. But I do firmly believe that practicing gratitude daily--in a way that works for YOU--is essential to long term happiness. I grew up in an environment that was unpredictable, at times, scary. This caused me to grow up way faster than any child should have to mature. I felt responsible for everyone's happiness in my youth, and that crushing responsibility caused me to be a pessimist--always looking for the problem, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm done with that. I want to teach my children a better way.

I've just started scratching the surface on practicing gratitude for myself, and I am now like a thirsty runner after finishing a 10-mile race, I want it all! I want to be so filled with gratitude that I basically shine! 

I want more.

The best way to lead (yourself or anyone else) is by example, right? That's why I will never be satisfied with where I am at. When I crest one mountain of accomplishment, I am always looking toward the next peak. Whether that next mountain is one of self-growth and realization, or more tangible--like looking into starting a new career--I.Will.Never.Be.Done.Growing.

This quality is actually the thing I love about myself the most. There, I said it. I love something about myself. I know in today's world, we're only supposed to pretend we love ourselves, and I don't love many things about my mannerisms, tendencies, and habits, but I'm working on that! 

Putting these visions and wishes for myself out into the universe is the first step for me, but also for you! This is a love letter to myself and all of you, middle-aged boss-babes, and mamas out there. We can make the rest of our lives whatever we want! I plan to make the most of mine...will you??

Share how you are coming into your own self as you mature in the comments!

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xoxo

EM aka #EntreprenistaMama 💜